Always.

If only people understood
that one can love more
than one with tributaries
running in parallel, without
feeding off each other, that
the vectors of my love don’t
intertwine and dissect, rather
time and space does, and
thus, my mind and body,
but love is not in the encompassing
attention that I can dispose to
one at one space-time coordinate
but the overarching rib-cage
of feeling that melts into one
candle wick whose wax never
wears off – rekindled each time
with words, voices and presence
for the vortex in the centre of
my chest relives the warm
liquid nervousness, and my
body remembers your touch.
There is an eternality to love,
if we let ourselves share it with more
not in the coffin of singular expression
but in the in-between of presence,
that I will always share with you.

Stammer.

hi,
my name is
t- t- t- never
mind, swallow
the hesitation
clenching the p- p-
paper. deep breath.
tightly a little red
ball of n- n- n-
nervousness hangs
– mouth contorts but
no sound, breath caught –
i- i- i- i-
in my chest, i wonder
what they’re th- th- th-
fuck.
hide your face with the paper
fuck. you don’t do that. smile
warily, smile as if this is
n- n- n-
normal.
sounds are an enigma
and sometimes, i want
to s- s- say things, it’s the knowing,
the words just won’t
FUCKING COME OUT.
I know what I have to say
It’s just that they
won’t c-

c-

c- c-

come out proper
with a broken mouth and
hapless short breaths of
h- h-
helplessness, I
PUSH AND PUSH
AND IT ONLY GETS WORSE,
and then suddenly
a stream of smooth sentences
as if language were fluid and I
a boat with no friction gliding
gracefully over the words, as if
I were a m- m- m-
fuck.
master.
if only for a short while.

Darling.

If this,
were enough to
make you stop
a moment
steal your gaze
and still your eye,
resuscitate a soft
twinge that you
haven’t felt
in a while –
to hold you
in a spell, even
if it doesn’t remain,
or still your fleeting
thoughts a moment
and hold you close
again – if it were
enough to say,
that there are things
I cannot say
but you can hear them
all the same,
in simple words
and warmth,
in a hand held
for a second more
and left to lose its
way, a touch to
ignite the fire –
perhaps,
you’ll
keep the flame.

Love Song.

The wail of a love song –
I recognize,
I do not pretend to understand
The shifting verse of fluid feeling
The slender twigs oft broken, the
Always that never was.

Yet, in intuition there is
That deep sense of understanding
A moment that holds, in its bosom
Only to lose it again –
The tight clasp, sand pushing out
Grip trembling, eroding slowly
Through the seams of my skin
I pretend to hold, glistening sand
Losing myself in the love I let go.

Tipping the hourglass, voluntarily
Empty now, my chest
For another hand to softly
Tip the hourglass again.

Everything To Feel.

My last reminder was a number
11:22, branch of blood splash
Help, the walls are painted –
In red, coated in red, revelling
In red, red is the colour of my desire.

That explodes outwards, sticky red
Substance, hard to take off, scratch
Wax, set it to flame, a slow burner
Hunch – sometimes, letting go is
Being careless, and yet carefree.

I revel in both, the careless and
The carefree, one makes me nervous
The other, a surge of adrenaline
Joyous excitement – enjoyment
Eyes, wide gleaming almost like
New soul-shattering discovery.

Being careless has often been a
Mistake, wish they didn’t go together
Consequences, be afraid – turn away
Don’t look them in the eye and stare
Before it gets ugly, go. I’ve been told
and yet, I refuse to be afraid of possibility.

We can’t live in fear. We can only live
By exploring our nifty curiosities and
Passions. The fear will always be there
I know, before the unknown leap –
But a life to live, and things to know
All I want, is everything, to feel.

Honest.

In the moment of truth
The first spike is fear
Naked, pale and hot
Shrieking inside the chest
Your eyes are gleaming…
With conviction.
Soft, the hand that grazed
Across my skin, melts into
A black song-bird flying
Through the air –
Stop.
Please, I can explain.
Your eyes are vehement now
Brown globules of shining
Simmering heat.
Song-bird returns to
It’s nest. The next spike
Is red confusion –
A hasty prediction of
Consequences
The pain I will cause you
In the telling and the denial.
A shard through the mind,
A shard through my chest
I wonder, which, but
I stare at you, hold my head
In my hands –
A tear drop, then another,
Then another, you think
You’ve hurt me –
Rush to my side with arms wide open
Whispering apologies, holding me.

I wish you had,
Hurt me.

Missing You

Infrared curtain rooms and laser beams

Pink laptop the blue spectacles tastefully decorate

The bed, slightly crushed, and a blanket

Rather crumpled but soft with a strand of hair

Poised perfectly twisted against the wave

Tracing a path from pillow to hand to touch

Circles and skin caricatures almost tattooing

Love, into your fingers and mine,

Intertwined.

Missing you,

Exaggerated spill-over the boat that

Carefully buds and blooms, with time

My love, in time we shall meet and depart

Again to find each in the other’s comforting arms

On that same coppice bed where we found

Each other, so much closer, come closer…

Your taste marks my soul,

And I will bleed a little, everyday

Till we meet again.